Rewind, Restart: The Grief Process and Journey
My husband died 51 weeks ago today. I managed 5 posts to this blog before I was overwhelmed with everything and could not continue. Now I am going to restart and share my story and this journey with you.
Since I wasn’t able to unfold this journey over the past 11 months, I will now fast forward and give you some information in this and future posts, rather than revealing it gradually as I continue this blog. It will make it easier for you to understand my experience, and journey, by having some facts.
If there is something I haven’t mentioned here and you are wondering, just ask. It is my intention to be as open and honest as possible, sharing my ups and downs, ins and outs, and how I coped or didn’t, and especially how I’m continuing my life in spite of my grief Of Epic Proportions. I want this blog to be a help to anyone going through the loss of a loved one; first a little history.
None of us can escape death and all of us have experienced it in some degree or another. In our culture it is one of those subjects no one talks about, and everyone is touched by.
When we hear someone has died we send a card to the bereaved, perhaps flowers or some such, and if it fits in our schedule, or the person was “close” to us, we attend the funeral or memorial.
I was one of these people and thought I knew what it was like to lose someone I loved. I knew nothing. I don’t believe any of us know anything about losing a loved one until we have experienced the loss of a child (God forbid), a parent, or a spouse.
A cousin drove this home to me when we talked on the phone shortly after the death of my mother on September 8, 2006. She wanted to know how I was truly doing because since her mother had died a few years before, she knew the pain I was suffering. She knew the physical pain, the emotional pain, the utter sadness, and emptiness I was feeling.
She said to me, “Before my mother died, I offered sympathy to so many who had lost a parent, and I thought I knew something of their pain. My words were so trite then, and my heart now knows the complete, utter, and total pain you are experiencing. I can’t do anything, or say anything, that will help. Just know I am here to help you on this journey you are taking.”
It was such a relief to talk to someone who knew what I was going through. I too felt like my words to others had been trite, hollow, and totally insensitive.
My cousin had begun to define my feelings for me, the physical and the emotional ones, something I wasn’t even able to grasp at the time. I now knew there was at least one person who had gone before me on this journey of grief and there would be a few who could and would walk with me. That is the purpose of this blog, beyond telling my story, to walk with you in your journey.
I know something of this grief journey, and the part I don’t know, I pray I never have to experience. As already mentioned, my mother died just over 5 years ago. Two and a half years later, my father died, and 18 months later, my husband died. In just over 4 years, now nearly 5 years, I lost three of the most important and significant people in my life, excluding my children.
It has been a hard journey with insufficient time between each death. I made a decision the day I talked to my cousin, to go through this process openly and share what I have experienced and learned with others who need someone to understand where they are, what they are feeling, and walk beside them.
I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t know it all. So, please if you have something supportive and encouraging say, please share it.
Posted on October 12, 2011, in Epics, Grief, Journey, Life Struggles, Proverbial Questions and tagged death, Epic proportions, God, Grief, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Mental Health, Pain. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.
One Woman's Grief - Of Epic Proportions 
Hey Sharon,
What a wonderful post… although it has very heartbreaking content it is definitely inspiring! I too lost someone; it was my 17 year old brother and it was 2 months before my wedding day. That was a very difficult time in my life. I was juggling completing my BA degree, planning my wedding, and then suddenly helping my parents deal with my brother’s passing arrangements. Although my brother’s death was difficult on me, I knew this was the beginning of a tremendous and almost unbearable life adjustment for my mom. My brother was adopted by our family when he was 3 months old. He was neglected by his birth parents and as a result he suffered with severe Cerebral Palsy; so basically my mom was his permanent caregiver. He did pass from natural causes do to his disease, but just like you mentioned above, we know nothing about losing a loved one (especially a child) until we have experienced it.
Thank you for sharing Sharon, and I’m looking forward to reading your upcoming posts!
Tennille
Hi Sharon,
Oh man, what a brave blog to take on. I’m still coming to terms with the death of my father. That was nearly 20 years ago. It seems like I’m still learning things about that relationship. Processing death was nearly impossible for me for a long time. I was so uncomfortable around it I’d either ignore it or say something that wouldn’t even qualify for a Hallmark card. A few years before my Dad passed I had to put down my good dog, Issac. He was a real sweetheart, but not very aware that cars were much bigger and blinder than he was. In the end it was the kindest thing. My small town reached out one by one to offer consolation. It wasn’t until my friend Vance spoke to me that I round any real connection. He looked me in the eye and said “That’s f*ck*d”. And until that moment I didn’t know that this was the most accurate description of what was current for me. Everyone else meant well, and there words would become meaningful in time. Vance not only met me where I was, he helped me figure out where that was. Just two words.
Hi Tennille,
Thanks for your kind comments. I have a younger brother and no experience at the loss of a sibling. As I said above I know something of this journey and the part I don’t know and never want to experience is the loss of a child, like your mother has. My heart goes out to her. I can only imagine the pain is unbearable. It isn’t natural or fair for a child to precede a parent in death. Unimaginable the loss and pain of it.
Thanks for your encouraging words.
Sharon
Hi Bryan,
Thanks for your comments. One thing I’ve learned, and you are still experiencing 20 years later, we never get over the grief of the loss of a loved one, we just learn to live with it. I am amazed how horribly grief stricken I can become and I don’t even know where it came it from because the second before I had no idea it would hit me!
You lost your father much too young for the both of you. I remember blubbering with a friend shortly after my mother died and then remembered she’d lost her mother when she was just 20 years old. I apologized for my going on and on, because I had my mother for 56+ years. She gently put her arms around me and said, “It’s OK. You are grieving for what you have lost. I grieve for what I didn’t have. We both suffer with grief.”
Grief and grieving are OK. In fact, they are necessary because the chemicals in our bodies and tears caused by grief are toxic and we need to get them out.
I’m glad I had my cousin, and my friend to help me with part of it. I’m glad you had Vance. I want to help others with their grief because many of us have no one in our lives that does understand. That’s why I started this blog because I’ve had so much experience in a short period of time.
Sharon
Hi Sharon. I do feel your pain, I lived it as well and you are doing what you should be doing, grieving, sharing, and healing. When I was 26 (I’m 51 now), my 25 year old husband died of a heart attack in my arms. I was left with an infant and a two year old to raise on my own. Two years later my mother had a massive stroke leaving her paralyzed. I used to carry her in my arms to the doctor, feed and cleanse her daily for years, until she lost the battle to infection from bedsores. I lived in the Philippines then and medicine was not as readily available as it is here. Then, two months before my current husband came to visit me in 2003, my father, who I cared for along with my mother for years, died. He died from liver failure due to drinking, but he was the most kind, considerate, and loving man in the world. I miss both my parents terribly and I dream of them often. My husbands parents are still living, 80 and 81, and they live here next to us. I know what is coming for my husband, but words can never describe it. I can only be here for him and that, in itself, is all anyone can do.
Your journey will become easier as life fills in around the tragedy, but the memories and emptiness you feel when you think about them will not. Getting involved, as you are now, is the best you can do.
Catherina
Thank you, Catherina, we do share a common pain. How tragic to lose your husband so young and your children to never know their father. I think we have these experiences when we do, so we can help others. Seven months after my mother died one of my co-workers died, and 6 weeks later another. The second one died from COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease), the exact cause of death of my mother. I knew exactly what the family was going through while he was in the hospital for the 3-4 weeks before he died. I tried to be encouraging, yet it didn’t sound good. I hope I was a comfort to the family during and after. You will be their for your husband when he loses his parents. You can hold him and help him cry.
Sharon