Have No Expectations

Today it has been one year since my husband died. I wasn’t sure how today would go. I really had no expectations. I remember my mother once saying to me, a few years after I became a mother, regarding Mother’s Day, “If you don’t have any expectations, you won’t be disappointed.” I thought it good advice in many circumstances.

A few weeks ago I found something on the Internet and I thought, oh that sounds like something worthy of saving and doing to commemorate the day. I also found the poem I gave to my husband on the day I told him I loved him and, “Yes, there was the possibility of a romance blossoming here;” a question he had asked me 6 weeks earlier. We had known each other for 38 years already and neither of us thought of this before. At the time, he asked the question, I was surprised and unsure.

Looking forward to today I told someone I had a small bottle of champagne, and if it was still good, I’d toast my husband, and maybe have a special dinner. I also thought I might be out of town and, if not, it was suggested perhaps I go out for the evening. In reality, none of that worked out, although it’s not too late for the champagne. Instead, over the last several days, I wrote several posts to my blog leading up to today.

When I woke this morning it was a beautiful Fall day, just like last year. I had a fairly busy agenda for the day: to stop by a business I’m working with to negotiate a transaction, attend a class on social media, study for my classes since I’m in school full-time, get gas for my vehicle, shop at Costco mostly for ink for my printer, shop for groceries so I can provide dinner at a Bible study class on Sunday evening, and whatever else filled the remaining minutes of the day.

Someone had said I shouldn’t be alone, and they and others would take me out. I thought that was a nice gesture and was very open to the idea, however, without expectations for it actually happening, I’m not disappointed, or distraught, they forgot. I’m certainly not going to bring it up. Instead, I’m posting this to my blog and sharing this piece I found on the Internet. Unfortunately, I didn’t secure the website link to also share with you, so if I’m hauled off to jail for infringement of copyrights, or whatever, at least you know what happened to me. My apologies in advance for not securing this source, originally I did not intend to use it other than for personal information, yet I think it is appropriate to share here. And, let me preface it by saying, I am not Jewish.

“It is the Jewish custom to perform certain traditions to mark what is called the Yahrzeit. Yahrzeit is a Yiddish word meaning ‘year’s time’ and it commemorates the anniversary of the death of a loved one. It is customary to light a candle that will burn for 24 hours in their memory. The headstone is often laid at the occasion of the Yahrzeit, and smaller stones placed on the top of it as loved ones visit the gravesite. Family members traditionally recite the mourner’s Kaddish, a traditional prayer of praise to God, as follows:

‘Glorified and sanctified be God’s great name throughout the world which He has created according to His will. May He establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days, and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon; and say, Amen.

May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.

Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, adored and lauded by the name of the Holy One, blessed be He, beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.

May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.

He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.’

Many people refer to the mourner’s Kaddish as a prayer for the dead, but as you read it you’ll see it is a prayer for the living, a prayer that acknowledges God’s sovereignty in life and in death. In fact, almost all traditional duties and liturgy pertaining to death are to help the living cope with sorrow and loss and to gain strength from God and from the community. So it is with the Yahrzeit. Think about it. For at least a year – often longer – there is a painful series of ‘firsts.’ The first wedding anniversary without the loved one, the first birthday, the first year of celebrations…”

I woke this morning thanking God for the life I had, the love we shared, and for my ongoing life. When I went to write a check at the business, where I was conducting the business transaction mentioned above, I couldn’t write the date. I knew full well what the date was, I couldn’t write the date. I even said out loud, “The date today is, I know what today is.” The clerk then told me the date. I said, without wavering, “I know very well what today is, my husband died one year ago today; I just couldn’t write it.” And, then I did write it.

I read the mourner’s Kaddish several times today and since coming home I’ve lit a candle. I had been thinking about this for a while and decided today would be the day to remove my wedding ring from my left hand. I unceremoniously took it off and placed it on my right hand just above my husband’s wedding band. I read the poem I gave him the day I told him I loved him and yes, there was a romance blossoming here. There’s still time for the champagne.

All of my thoughts today have been about and around my husband; they are every day; as well as both my parents. It really was an ordinary day, a busy one, and that speaks a lot of where I’ve come since a year ago, the most amazing of which happened the day after my husband died.